Wow, 2026.
Two years yet again since my last post. And that was just me posting up a story I thought up. Something I thought I would do regularly but the usual depression and ADHD loop got the better of me. I'd still be willing to post some stories here, but with the massive jump in AI, and the stealing of material it does to "learn," makes me hesitant. Not that my writing is something worthy enough to be consumed by the AI overlords, but the AI cares not.
Maybe it's because I'm now forty-one years of age-- well, forty-one and a half really. But it feels like a hell of a lot of time has passed in these last two years than the two years prior to that. The world has changed, I have changed. The prior for the worse and the latter for what I hope is the better.
Honestly most of the last two years didn't result in much changing for me internally. But externally? Well I got a job again, then lost it, got another one--still have that one! I made new friends, like legit friends, that I like and like me. We hang out outside of work even! And through them, eventually, I've grown. I knew someone that told me "you learn something from everyone you meet" and I guess that's true. At the time I thought it meant the person directly had knowledge to share with you, which is certainly the case some of the time. But I've learned sometimes just them being them provides you with insight, or gives you an experience that you take and place inside yourself.
I hit a crisis point mentally a couple months ago. A literal life changing experience from--get this-- a video game. Who'da thunk!
The game was Cyberpunk 2077. That may or may not surprise you depending on how the story they told affected you. Funny enough the narrative wasn't even the biggest thing affecting me, though it certainly helped. The game is in first person, which is not new, lots of games have been in first person. But even the cut scenes in this game are from that perspective. And since it's a create your character pick your own play-style type of game, and the fact that the game allows you to play as a "trans" character. (I put that in parentheses because you technically aren't, but the game allows you to have a female character with a dick, it just never actually addresses that in anyway.) So I was able to experience this story, in first person, with characters who from my personal head-canon know I'm trans and still treat me as a woman, even the ones trying to kill me.
Further still, you can romance characters and these characters have preferences. I was able to romance the lesbian character Judy Alvarez and have a really touching scene with her.
It made me realize the life I could be having but was being held back for reasons out of my control, but some that were in my control. And I realized I needed to make some big and scary changes if I was ever going to grow as a person and as a woman.
It's ironic that a video game provided me such a positive experience that it lead me to quite video games. I'd long since knew I was using games for reasons outside of just having fun. Combine that with my ADHD and I spent so much time alone with characters that weren't real.
And I'm not saying video games are bad. Just for me, I can't trust myself not to return to the status quo. Get stuck in the loop once again. So for now, the only time I play video games are with friends, as that's a social event.
Now I'm trying to be the person I wanted to be, but held myself back for lots of reasons. I've been on that path for a few years, but it's taken me time to truly move forward.
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